Hey healthy mamas!
Welcome to the 24th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast!
Let’s start this story 6 years ago. My ex and I have separated and divorce is on the horizon.
I was afraid and worried but there was no doubt in my mind it was the right decision for the kids and I. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy but I really had no idea just how hard it would ultimately be.
Speaking of divorce in general, I had very little experience with it, either with friends or family. And I certainly had no idea what divorcing a high-conflict person would be like. I was entirely naïve and had no idea I was starting on the most difficult thing I have ever experienced to date.
To add another layer, the person I was divorcing had been married once before me so he already had knowledge and experience in this area. And given the fact that for him the divorce process was about him winning and me losing, this prior experience was going to be a distinct advantage.
I am a very different now than I was then. No one gets through a high-conflict divorce unscathed but for every scar, there is a lesson. And I really have learned so much so I want to share it all with you.
This episode is a list of 7 things I wish I knew before going through my divorce. Some of the things on the list are procedural in nature while others are perspectives that I wish I had adopted from the beginning.
I think if I had been able to have more realistic expectations going in, I would have been better prepared to weather the storm.
1. This is going to be a long process.
Right from the beginning, I think it’s important to accept the reality that this is going to take time. It depends on each situation but we are talking years for many people.
This may not sound like a total revelation to you but when you’re in the thick of it, a ‘divorce year’ feels significantly longer than a regular year. I have heard many people share that it felt like time slowed down for them.
But even beyond the feeling of time slowing down, divorce does take longer than most people think, especially if their finances are more complex and they’re dealing with lots of things like assets, liabilities and businesses.
There are other factors that will drag out the process even further like disagreements on parenting time and what’s best for the kids. Some things just take time even if both parties are negotiating in good faith.
But if you’re dealing with a high-conflict person, negotiating in good faith rarely happens which means you can expect additional challenges.
Things like difficulty getting information like financial records and lists of assets, missed deadlines, legal proceedings, unnecessary postponement of legal proceedings, not responding to correspondence, hiring and firing of legal counsel, withholding support, that sort of stuff.
This type of person enjoys the conflict so it’s not uncommon for them to drag it out longer than is necessary.
And it’s important to note here that there’s nothing you can do about this but it’s important to keep in mind because it informs some of the other things on my list.
So remember, if your divorce feels like it’s taking forever, it probably is but you are not alone. Many people have walked this path before you and many will walk it after you. So just hang in there.
2. Once the information is gone, it’s gone.
When you’re going through the financial aspect of your divorce, everything relies on records. Records of employment, income earned both past and present, lists of assets and liabilities, potential to earn income, investments, ownership documents, income tax returns, all that good stuff.
And in most marriages, both parties will have access to this information either electronically or maybe in that big ugly filing cabinet in their house.
No one thinks much about it until things go sour. And by that point, access to that information may be very challenging particularly if the information does not benefit your high-conflict partner.
If you’re dealing with a person whose goal is to win and/or punish their ex-partner, records have a funny way of getting amended, getting lost or outright disappearing. So, it’s very important that you get copies or photographs of important records to both prove their existence and have access to the information as it was at the time of separation and during your marriage.
Trust me on this. For your high-conflict ex, this is a battlefield, and they will often do whatever it takes to ‘win’. And once that information is gone, it’s gone.
Your access to the records could change at any time.
If you’re unsure what types of information you might need copies of, it’s a good idea to talk to a lawyer perhaps even before you’ve 100% decided to get divorced. Which brings me to the third thing on my list:
3. You need a lawyer.
If you are divorcing a high-conflict person, I can say with almost 100% certainty that you need a lawyer. And I understand this can be very difficult because of the cost but it’s imperative.
Think back to your marriage with this person:
Did they listen to your points of view?
Did they respect your opinion?
Did they have your best interests at heart?
Were you treated as an equal partner?
Whatever your answers were to these questions during your marriage will be the answers to these after your marriage times one thousand.
So, sitting at a table or in a coffee shop trying to work this out between yourselves will at best result in no progress and at worse result in further abuse and possibly a signed agreement that is far from what’s best for you and your kids.
And your high-conflict ex may or may not hire a lawyer or they may bounce around to a few different ones but that’s not your issue. My point is you need one.
4. You need a support community around you.
This is going to be one of the hardest times of your life. There will be days where you don’t know how you will face another day.
A high-conflict person will try to wear you down bit by bit and it’s more likely to work if you try to face it alone. So don’t face it alone.
Connect with people who you trust.
This can be family, close friends, online communities, counsellors, therapists, coaches, people from your church, anyone who you can reach out to when you are low or could use a second opinion or someone who can just listen.
It is very common tactic of high-conflict people to isolate you. This may have occurred during your marriage and during and after divorce, it’ll be no different.
Having people around you to help ground you and keep you moving forward is very important to your well-being and your ability to move through this process.
You may even find your high-conflict ex tries to turn friends and family against you. It may or may not work depending on the strength of your relationships so choose carefully. But know that there are a lot of people out there who understand what you’re going through and want to help.
5. Controlling your reactions is half the battle.
If you are dealing with a high-conflict person, they want you to react. They poke, pester, goad, attack, criticize and undermine to get you to react.
And this does 3 primary things:
(1) they get personal pleasure from it;
(2) it keeps you unstable which makes it harder to focus on the actual issues at hand; and
(3) it provides ‘proof’ of your craziness that they can use to support the false narrative they’ve been spreading about you.
You will find that these kinds of people will say some of the craziest things you’ve ever heard and those things are designed to throw you off your game, get you to react, say something you shouldn’t, panic. The more you are off kilter, the more chance they have to manipulate you into getting what they want.
Quickly learning how to get a hold of your reactions will pay dividends.
First, as you already know, it’s better for your overall health and stress levels. Learning to be less reactive in life as a whole is a good idea for anyone.
Second, it’ll prevent you from saying something you regret or worse, writing something you regret. Remember, things you say and put in writing can be twisted to fit a different narrative so being in control is important.
Third, it keeps you in the logical, thinking part of your brain rather than the emotional part of your brain. You’re making big decisions throughout this process so learning how to keep those reactions in check is crucial.
I realize this is easier said than done. All of us are reactive especially when we are being attacked and criticized which you can expect with a high-conflict person.
So, to help with this, I suggest going back and listening to an earlier episode I did on this. It’s episode 6 called 5 Steps To Protect Your Mental Health From Toxic Communication With Your Ex.
6. Prioritize your health.
This one can be tricky for most people because it can feel counterintuitive.
When you’re going through a divorce, let alone one from a high-conflict person, you’re in survival mode. The last thing on your mind will be exercising and eating healthy foods.
But I am here to tell you, it needs to move up the list. And there are two reasons for that.
The first reason is it’s actually in your kids’ best interests. I actually talk all about this on episode 3 called When Being a Healthy Mom Has Nothing To Do With Your Kids.
When we think of looking after our kids, we generally think of all the stuff we do directly for them, like preparing healthy meals and getting them to school. But there is so much more to it than that.
Prioritizing your health is so important because how you treat yourself is how your kids will learn to treat themselves.
We won’t always be their caregivers. Childhood is very short and it won’t be long before they are living their own lives and making their own choices.
They will choose what to eat, how to be physically active, how to cultivate healthy relationships, what healthy boundaries look like, how to have self-love and compassion. And they will learn how to do all of these things by watching how you do them.
Now the second reason to look after your health is the more obvious one. Going through a divorce is very traumatic. And if you add on that it’s from a high-conflict person that you have to co-parent with for the next x-number of years, you are in for a real ride. So, you need to be healthy to get through this.
The amount of stress will feel almost unbearable at times. Having ways to manage the stress both pro-actively (like regular activity and getting enough sleep) as well as reactively (like ways to calm yourself after being triggered) will be crucial to be a healthy mom after divorce in a sustainable way.
7. You are playing the long game.
This one may sound similar to the first one on the list but it’s not. That one was about accepting that the process will take a long time. This one is about a mindset to adopt to help with the worry and panic when you encounter times when things are going particularly bad.
This is not a get-through-quick situation. Going through a high-conflict divorce and then having to co-parent with this person is not going to be easy. And the unfortunate reality is that there is a good chance both you and your kids are going to be subject to some sort of post-separation abuse. It’s scary but it’s not something you can control.
What you can control is how zoomed in you are. Let me explain that I mean by that.
Let’s take the example of long-term investments in the stock market.
You have $100 and you decide to invest it. You don’t need the money anytime soon so you plan to let it grow over a period of 30 years. Fast forward, now you’re retiring and your money has done well. It’s now worth $10,000!
Now imagine you look at a graph showing how it grew. The data point at year 0 (the day you invested it), it’s worth $10 and at year 30 (the day you withdrew it), it’s worth $10,000. Everyone would be happy with that. But what do you think the line of the graph would look like?
Well, it wouldn’t be a straight line. Although the overall result would be growth, the line would have valleys and peaks.
Let’s go back in time. It’s year 6 and you ask your investment advisor how your money is doing. If the markets weren’t doing great at that time, you might be in a valley.
Now, it would be easy to panic but knowing that you are playing the long game with your money (remember, you have another 24 years before you need to take it out), you just wait, be patient and trust that if you keep doing the right things, this is just one data point on a much larger graph.
At the 30 year mark, when you get to see the whole graph, you get the chance to zoom out, widen your camera lens to take in more of the picture. At year 6, there is a low but overall, you did great.
This is the same with divorcing from and co-parenting with a high-conflict person. You’re going to have bad days. Your kids are going to have bad days. That’s just a fact.
So the trick is this: focus on the patterns, not the days.
Zoom out, take in more of the picture, look at where you’ve come from and extrapolate that to where you’re going. If things are improving overall, great! If not, look at making some changes. But the key is not to paint the whole situation with the same brush that painted that one bad day.
I hope that this episode was helpful. If you’re finding you are struggling right now, maybe writing these 7 things down on a sticky note and putting it somewhere you can see on a regular basis will help remind you.
You really are not alone. Chin up, healthy mama and know that you will get through this, whether you’re at year zero or year thirty. The line may not be straight but you are going in the right direction so don’t stop now.
And as my favourite mantra goes, say it with me: healthy moms raise healthy kids.